A Disappointing Queer
10 days in May
We get the early bus and I run to grab a coffee for us to share. I go get it because I’m less social, you can do the talking with friends so easily, and I let you, you’ve also done the communicating via message. I’m not great at that either. I quietly made the infographic we see being shared this morning again. We make it to the patch of the park early and the faces and signs start to grow in number. I see faces I know, and they keep turning up. The trans workers bloc looks and feels like it’s pretty big. I end up stewarding and see that it is pretty big. That feels good to see the solidarity in person. We can feel it. only one terf shouting from their car drowned out by the sound of singing. I’m glad we go to decompress in the park. I see you in the cafe and you ask how we’ll manage Monday, I ponder if we postpone, you feel like it might be a good idea, it’s all been quite heavy. I say i’ll have a think and see about changing the date.
I text the group chat about postponing. There’s 25 likes on the message and no counter offer. We’ll just hang out and decide when to defer the date to on the night.
We stay in the west end and we’re off to see the lads at home. Born on the same day but still not due to be here. It feels like you have always been here, that’s what it always feels like with friend’s babies doesn’t it? They both look so cute in your arms. And your arms. Maybe we’ll have wee ones, but maybe slightly bigger. We gift you random bougie things, but making sure one cinnamon bun remains with you!
We walk in the sunshine to friends’ for some food, having not made it to your party the previous weekend. The door to the warm air was open and the conversation felt similar. The sun has been lovely but I’m tired and so I’m so appreciative of your lift home in the car.
Just two days left of work this week. One day at the prison library. I didn’t sleep, did I remember to tell you that you need your ID? Yes, we’re all in past security and deliver the poetry session and get asking for feedback. One additional request for more LGBTQ+ books. Noted, sent to the person who’ll order. That won’t be me anymore.
I email everyone signed up to come and read Stone Butch Blues that it’s postponed and I’ll update with a new date as soon as possible.
Training today: how to get your staff, trying to somehow get through life, to come to work on time.
We catch up after work in the local bar to go through next steps, or no steps after not getting funding for a community writing workshop. It’s not meant to be this time, but something will come up again. We talk through the complexities of charging for your skills and time with people that you might not always have the disposable income. I’ve been there, and you, we’d benefit from free things too. We put them on. I hope you get paid for your talent again soon.
Days off start now.
We meet you at the pizza place since it’s sunny and we’ll take away a large on to share in the park. You’re getting the keys to check on the cat. He’ll need water and some treats. And some play time. Just to let you know he might try and hump them. Its ok. Thank you, it’s really appreciated. I leave a little early to call you.
You’re lighter on the phone. I’m meeting who you always have been and hear your name so clear. I’m sitting on the bench as the road is too busy and the smell from the bridge is too much and i want to focus on you. I’ll speak to mum and dad more I say as I politely nod to the person I dated a while ago as he wrangles his kids into the park. I’ll chat more once we’re back from the weekend away. I’m glad we helped in a small way you be you whilst just being us.
We are at the community meal but we’re away early tomorrow so I’ve not signed up for the dishes. We still need to pack and I’m not sure where everything is.
It’s heavy but we’re on our way. One bus, one train, walk to lidl and on a bus again. The beach is clear and our little red tent looks laughable small against seascape. The sand feels good between my toes and the walk and talk feels good between our many many anxious thoughts. A lot of uncertainty is around and more coming. Some very exciting changes in our life coming with horrendous changes, both temporary and maybe more, to yours and our friends. We’re a team and we need to recharge or we’ll lose our communication. It’s necessary. Relax. Ice cream and warm water swims are our weekend. The sounds of the waves and your laughs as you crash in them, breathing in the salty air, feeling the warmth of the sun on my sunburnt nose and sitting by your side watching the fire. I’m glad we exist.
I’m glad I have the day off work again, although we should have unpacked. But a day in bed feels better.
I email everyone again about the change of plan about Stone Butch Blues.
The book club’s tonight and I’ll need to remember snacks. It’s such a nice day and we’re not talking abut the book so it’ll probably be quiet. I go in early even though i’ll be in until late as i’ve got my annual performance meeting. I go in to see it’s been cancelled and debate going home. I just stay. I get through my list, including my testimonial and poem back to the poet and thank him for his session at the prison. Its so sunny outside and so warm. It’s 6 o’clock and no one’s here, although it is normally a 6.30 start. Shall i get collage things out? I make big pages for a couple people to help make a zine if they want to keep their hands busy. I’m tired. A couple people show and bring spring rolls and oreos. I go to collect the badge maker and return to 20 people getting stuck into collaging and the snacks. I catch up with a couple of pals although i’m not stringing words together well, I’m tired, I’m relaxed around friends. I go round asking how people are and see when when to talk about the book I pitch September, just the next book after July’s pick (Braiding Sweetgrass).
I see you’ve left a comment on instagram, angry that we are ‘shirking’ away from talking about trans rights, we shouldn’t be calling ourselves queer feminists and that you disappointed.
I reply quickly but I’m tired and I feel it’s maybe too blunt. I check with my friend so not to disturb you
I’m tired and your careless words have had an impact.
I check in how your letter writing night is going, you’re happy with how many people have turned up to write to their MP about the ridiculous trans guidelines. Trans women are women. You’re glad to connect to more people and that people ate the soup.
I’m tired and your careless words have had an impact on me.
I’m tired. I can’t meet your expectations. You expected too much from a book club. I hope you find where you want and need elsewhere.
I’m tired and your careless words have an impact on others.
I wish I wasn’t so disappointed in you. I want to trust that there is more care and support from my community.
