'I would prefer not to'
On being perceived, sharing myself and learning to alter what that means.
I would prefer not to be perceived but I’ve learned a lot in the last year about how, when and why it might be a good thing in some aspects of my life.
Much like the infamous phrase repeated by Bartleby in Herman Melville’s story, the refusal to do something can feel defiant, to not comply with expectations, but sometimes preference needs to take a back step.
Last year i started to write to share myself more. To cope more with change and the support sharing can bring.
Writing doesn’t come naturally to me.
Neither does sharing myself.
I don’t really know what someone would like to know about me. A lot of the time they’ve not asked me much about myself. So I don’t share.
I learn and keep learning more about the world and my interiority from other people’s words that they have shared. So why wouldn’t it be the same with my own words to share?
I’m not great at having many things in my mind when i’m in a conversation. I’ve become quite good at asking other people questions, and following up with more, being happy in silence so the other person usually speaks again.
Too much chatting is overwhelming for me.
I think best and i am at my most creative when alone, but often surrounded by other people chatting indirectly. For example in a busy library or cafe with headphones on, or in a big group collaging but we’re either all working silently or chatter is able to be had by anyone, i can take time out to recalibrate without feeling the pressure to respond with something good, with anything.
People knowing things about me and being centre of attention makes me feel quite uncomfortable. Partially because i’m shy, it takes me quite a bit of time to build up confidence to talk to people. Partially because more and more people knowing things about me, means more busy overwhelm of information that’s less controllable and potentially adds to a bigger list of people to update changes to. Partially for feelings of safety and privacy*. Partially because you’re supposed to share things to connect to people in society and i don’t like being told what to do. Partially because i would prefer not to.
I share a lot with people that ask me things directly.
I miss cues when I’m ‘supposed’ to share bits about myself. I remember being on a date and the person pointed out a lot of the things that i thought were interesting or looked nice on them (in one instance their bag) were ‘a very lesbian thing to have’. Which was curious after the 3rd time they associated it with their object or activity. 3 times became a bit of a pattern in my head and i wondered why they were bringing it up. Since i knew they were a lesbian before the date. I think they were trying to use it as a way to see if i was to, because i hadn’t shared the tick box thats the closest but not quite right label for myself, so i left it blank. Bisexual is close, but not quite right, neither is pansexual for me, and i’m not too bothered about finding the right label for the benefit of an app. But they could have asked directly. And i kind of decided they weren’t getting the info out of me until they did ask directly. Stubbornness has often been, and still is to a lesser degree, a big part of myself to work on. It wasn’t my queerness being perceived that i was unwilling to share, it was how it was supposed to be shared i was unwilling to take part in.
When you’re quite fluid in many aspects of yourself, it’s hard to give a short sweet answer that’s preferable for others to put you in a neat little box. So i don’t.
I’d prefer not to be watched and listened to by big groups of people but i will if it needs to happen to increase the quality of something for other people. Like running a specifically feminist book club to be somewhere for people to gather and learn and just ‘be’ with others away from doing the same themselves in their home and work life. Like having to sit at tables in community organising spaces over dinner and not be sure what’s going to be asked of me and with so many people unsure of what’s next on the agenda or to do list, but it might support someone to find a meal for a night, or a group of people that make them feel safe for a couple hours. I can share my skills and experience to take imitative and coordinate someone to wash the dishes next without sharing my whole personal world. Not everything will spill out.
When i am sharing a lot of myself and someone is returning the vulnerability with me, i don’t always know what can be shared with other people. So i prefer not to share on much at all in case i inadvertently share too much and hurt someone.
I talk to myself a lot to share with myself what i think and feel about things. I quite like my own company and often don’t like repetition of what i’ve said. So it might not get shared on again. I find it quite energy zapping to talk a lot, so I don’t. My inner world perceives me so much, having to repeat with more people takes a lot of work.
I would prefer not to share more of myself. I don’t really want lots of people to know much about me. But sharing more and being perceived can build so many more things for myself and people around me.
I used to find that people would have very fixed ideas and thoughts about me, especially after not seeing someone for years. Why would you not thing i would have changed and grown? Why would you shame me for that? So i would often decide that person doesn’t get to know more about me until they show they’re less negative and judgemental towards myself and/or other people. But if i’m figuring things out about myself, other people will be too, there’s room now that people will be let back in, in very small amounts. Sharing enough, having some privacy and connecting to people are forever changing and adapting and i’m still constantly learning how and when best to do it, and still getting it wrong too. And that’s ok, as long as it’s not repeating.
What are some things I could share right now?
I enjoy writing now. I get excited to share it on here all the time even though i haven’t spell or grammar checked. Its easier writing to ‘someone’ than in my diary.
I don’t like mushrooms, they feel funny, but i will eat them if you’ve gone to the effort to make me a lovely meal with them and i forgot to communicate this info (what a shock).
So far in my life I fancy, have fancied and have fallen in love men. but i sometimes like people that aren’t men. I’ve haven’t ever really liked feminine women/people romantically but i have kissed and fucked them. And might again i guess. And maybe I’ll like them a little bit more. But maybe i’ll love no one else quite like my partner, and I’d be very happy with that.
I don’t have a great relationship with alcohol and i love not going on ‘nights out’ now.
I really like Winona Ryder and my boyfriend thinks i have fancied her for decades. But it’s never felt like fancying. I just think she is the most beautiful person ever and i loved the characters she’s played in films when she was younger as they were relatebly a bit weird, which i was drawn to. I’m going to write a bit more about my queerness and Winona at some point.
I finish therapy this week. It was the equivalent of two months rent for me. And worth it. I couldn’t have afforded this even 2/3 years ago.
* one of the reasons i didn’t stand at a window and bang a pan for the NHS during covid was so i didn’t have people view me like a goldfish in my living room. And so that people didn’t see that the goldfish lived alone.